Dreaming of Love
The mind is such a powerful thing. Your subconscious is capable of more than most can imagine.
Take dreams, for example. The effect they have on your body during and after your sleep is incredible.
So to preface this post, let me tell you about the effects of dreams on me.
No, I’m not going to tell you about all the wicked dreams I’ve had. Mostly because I can’t remember them, but I know my mind had a wicked time (that will be explained in a second).
Alright, your mind when it dreams, (now correct me if I’m wrong) it is basically fabricating what is missing from your conscious mind when you’re asleep.
Having said that, one dream that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life:
I’m falling out of a plane, but I don’t have a parachute. I realize that death is imminent. But I distinctly remember telling myself it was a dream, that there’s no possible way I would ever be falling without a parachute out of a plane; I never fly, let alone go parachuting.
So with that in my mind, I tell myself that I’ll wake up before I hit the ground, don’t worry.
NO. That did not happen. I came closer to the ground, but I wouldn’t wake up. I started to panic and yell in absolute fear. STILL, I did not wake up. Then, I hit the ground. Almost immediately I wake up. My body ached like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I was in SO much pain…it took almost half an hour to calm down (both my mind and body).
So, that is forever left in my memory.
Also, during the time I’m trying to fall asleep, I’ll drift in and out of “consciousness;” meaning that I’m quasi-aware that I’m lying in bed, yet at the same time, my mind is going off on some tangent, and eventually I jolt awake with the fear of sudden falling, and I’m startled as shit.
I’m being told that that’s sleep paralysis, and if so, sleep paralysis fucking sucks.
So anyways, with that preface, I’ll proceed to tell you about the latest involuntary self-inflicted mind-fucking I’ve been a victim of.
As of right now, I’m heartbroken. Heartbroken over someone I never fell in love with.
Here’s what I mean: I dated (K, we went on 3 dates) this one girl earlier this year, and nothing came out of it. We clicked, she was smart — both academically and streets — but she lacked the “abstract” element in her personality. So…I regard her as a friend…and we kind of drifted away from each other. We message each other from time to time, but nothing serious.
So my dream went like this:
I saw her at a formal event I was attending, the halls were a cadet blue shade with off-white curtains.
We, being “estranged” for so long, got excited at seeing each other again. She gave me a very energetic and genuine hug — something I haven’t gotten in quite some time. She was wearing a nice black dress, nothing glamorous, but she looked nice.
We mingled together, and decided to meet each other sometime afterwards. We did, caught up, and enjoyed each other’s company — more so than when I dated her in reality. Eventually, a relationship blossoms, and I remember feeling so serene and excited all at the same time.
But so abruptly, I walk into a room of yellowish cream color, and there are a few of my friends, a few members of my family, and her, kissing another man with the same passion my ex-girlfriend used to kiss me with (my ex in reality, by the way).
And almost immediately, I feel that our relationship was insignificant and something to just fill the time. I tried to play it off, but ended up just leaving the room, the halls were the same cadet blue color with a red carpeting. And I remember pounding the wall and crying out in anguish, wishing for this to end.
I wake up, but I have the feeling of heartache, and I immediately start to wonder where it came from. I recall my dream, and tell myself it was only a dream and the pain will pass. But through my whole day, even throughout my day at work, I would intermittently be taken back to the heartache I felt when I woke up, and it’s been fucking with me ever since. I can’t seem to shake it off.
One of my friends (as well as co-worker) told me it was my “singleness” finally getting to me… I sure as hell hope not. I mean, if I let THAT get to me, I might as well give up on life right now.
But he DOES have a point: back in February, I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend, and well…
We were walking together in a building with a bunch of hallways, it was a fairly intricate set-up of hallways, and it was a type of expo or something. We were holding hands, like we used to, walking in unison, just talking about whatever came to mind, and we stumbled onto a performance on stage by a drama team. It was in a gymnasium that was virtually identical to the one at my elementary school.
We sat down on the foldable metal chairs and I stood up in front of her, and…well…I can’t remember the rest.
(The following is from my Facebook account, describing my reaction to it, originally written on February 19, 2010)
My dreams are fucked.
It brings back things I thought I was over…obviously not.
But I can’t say it was a bad one, it revisited things I missed, things I told myself to forget…but the setting was just fucked.
It’s as if my mind was telling me, if I try to bring her back, it’ll be everything you remember, but nothing else will sit right. She’d be the center of my attention, but it’d be just the apple core of my eye, the rest of the apple is gone, and the core is just useless.